Dear Ava to Zeke,
I need some help. My husband and I are planning to give our daughter my [paternal] grandmother’s name as a middle name. The problem is, my mom hates it! My parents are divorced, and she doesn’t understand why we aren’t using her mother’s name instead. What can I do? We don’t want to change the name, but we don’t want the drama of a fight with her, either. (This is our first child and her first grandchild.) What should we do?
Jen
Hi, Jen.
Thanks for your question!
I feel your pain. I always want family and friends to like what I like, and it’s hugely disappointing when they don’t. And people are unabashed with their opinions about baby names. The same friend who would never say a word if you wore a terribly unflattering dress will be the first to sneer and tell you she hates your baby-name choice. So, first off, let yourself feel disappointed, since that’s the natural and normal reaction here. Then, try to understand where her feelings are coming from.
As I see it, there are a couple things going on. First, your mom’s probably a bit jealous. At first glance, it doesn’t seem fair that a name from her ex-husband’s family was chosen and a name from her family wasn’t. Second, she might be transferring feelings about her ex onto the name itself. Names have associations, and it may be difficult for her to disassociate that name from that person. These are all natural initial reactions.
One strategy is to tell your mom what you like about the name itself–its style, or sound, or length– and why you think it suits your daughter. Making the conversation more about the name than its family ties may lessen the emotion wrapped up in all of this. Also keep in mind that names are pretty malleable, and once the name is on a new person, your mom will start to associate it with her. Especially since the new person is her adorable first granddaughter, I can almost 100% guarantee that those former associations will fade and the name will become the right name for the new baby.
In the meantime, combat any negative feedback with confidence. I believe people are so vocal with their opinions about baby names because they think they can change your mind. Because baby hasn’t been born yet, the name isn’t “final,” so they still have a chance to influence your choice, or perhaps root for their favorite. If the name is decided, and it sounds like it is, then be assertive about it. Instead of saying, “Well, we’re thinking about using [paternal grandmother’s name] for the baby…” clear up any ambiguity that makes it seem like her opinion is invited. “Your granddaughter’s name will be [first name] [paternal grandmother’s name] [last name], and we can’t wait for you to meet her!” Being direct can let others know that the name is not going to change, which may lessen those unwanted opinions.
In this same vein, don’t make any promises for future children. It can be tempting in these situations to negotiate: “We’ll use a maternal family name for the next kid.” And you don’t want to be tied to that later. Right now, what matters is this baby and this baby name. If you treat it like a done deal, people, moms included, will generally back down.
On the upside, we’re talking about a middle name here, and not a first name, which makes the situation less tricky. We generally advise parents not to sweat the middle name too much. You want to make sure the full name works together and that the child’s initials won’t spell out anything crass, but overall, children aren’t often called by their full names outside of the home. When your mom brings up the middle name, remind her that middle names are rarely used after they’re put on the birth certificate. You can also change the subject by redirecting back to the first name: “She will be called [first name] [last name] most of the time. Let’s think of some nicknames together…”
Finally, remember that you’ll never make everyone happy, nor is that your job when naming your baby. It seems you’ve found a name that you and your partner can agree on, and that is an amazing feat. Embrace it.
Congrats on your new baby!
Ava to Zeke
If you have baby-naming stories to share or want some baby name advice, we’re here to listen. Send us an email and we’ll publish our responses on the blog!