With all the craziness involved in having a baby (fertility, adoption, pregnancy, surrogacy, tests, complications, birth plans, labor, delivery…), one piece new parents have control over is the baby’s name. A name is the stamp a parent places on that fresh newborn to say, “This is who you are,” or, “This is who I want you to be.”
But with that decision can come big pressure. For one, names are pretty much permanent. When you name a baby, you’re making a choice that is supposed to last. And then there are the totally unrealistic expectations for new parents. We’re supposed to have an “intuition” about all things baby, including finding the perfect name. We love stories about new parents who “just knew.” In reality, choosing a baby’s name is just like any other decision: we consider our options and choose the one we think is best. And sometimes we just won’t be satisfied with our choice.
If you’re feeling unsure about your baby’s name, you’re not alone. There are countless stories online (here, here, here) about parents who regretted the name they gave their baby. But many of the advice posts about baby name regret tell new parents how to prevent it, not how to deal with it. While you can minimize the likelihood of baby name regret by doing your research, the problem goes beyond just knowing your stuff. We think it’s also important to understand what baby name regret is, why you might be feeling it, and what you can do to cope with it.
What is Baby Name Regret?
First, let’s call it what it is. Baby name regret is really just namer’s remorse, which is really just buyer’s remorse. Buyer’s remorse is that process that happens in our brains when we make a big purchase. All the positives of the thing we just bought become replaced with all the negatives. It’s a way of talking ourselves out of what we’ve just done because it’s inconsistent with what we usually do. It’s a mindset.
When we look at it this way, we can see that maybe that feeling of regret isn’t about the baby name at all, but instead it is our way of freaking out over having made such a big decision. We’ve just given a name to another human. The least we can do is have a tiny moment of panic over the magnitude of it all.
Remorse on the Rise
So maybe it’s not so surprising that nearly one in five parents regrets the name they gave their child. Mumsnet’s 2016 poll found that 18% of parents regretted their baby name choice. The #1 reason for the regret is that the name was too popular. While parents once chose their baby’s name with the goal of fitting in, present-day parents are all about standing out. And it can be disheartening for a parent who chooses a name thinking it’s unusual to later discover that it’s not.
While popularity is the top reason parents say they regret their name choice, we think it’s also a product of the types of names we’re choosing now. It’s now the norm to choose a baby name based on personal taste and trends. In the past, babies’ names were chosen to honor family members. You might choose to name your son John because his father was John, or your daughter Elizabeth after her grandmother. Now, we’re choosing names for more aesthetic reasons.
The upside is that parents may feel more in control of their choice. Baby names have become a form of the parents’ personal expression, no longer tied to generations past. The downside, though, is that tastes change, and they change fairly quickly (unlike your unconditional love for grandma Elizabeth). Choosing trendy names is like choosing a trendy outfit. You’ll love it….for a season. Without that anchor of a meaningful association, it’s easier to question our own choices after that first rush of excitement. Because face, it, we’ve never met someone who regretted buying a perfectly fitting black cocktail dress, or naming their son John.
We also have more choices now than ever before, making the big decision even harder. In her article, “Why Your Baby Name Choice Is Making You Miserable” (part 1 and part 2), baby name wizard Laura Wattenberg tackles the issue head on. She explains that baby name regret is on the rise because we have too many options. Wattenberg blames “the paradox of choice,” psychologist Barry Schwartz’s phrase that means the more options we have, the more difficult a choice becomes.
Most of us see how anxiety-producing the paradox of choice is on a daily basis. We scroll through pages of Google results and read Amazon reviews until we’re cross-eyed in order to make the best choices possible. Let’s face it, we are a generation that rarely makes bad decisions because of lack of research. But we tend to regret those decisions more because we’ve invested SO. MUCH. TIME. in getting it right.
And then there’s another reason we might question our baby name choice: other people’s opinions. People are more vocal now. When baby names became style statements, they also got opened up to judgment. If you have a “justification” for your baby-name choice–“My great grandmother was named Ethel”–you can bypass some of the sneers. But if you choose a name because you “like it,” be prepared for others to let you know their thoughts, even if you never ask them for their opinion.
Adding to the pressure is the fact that we share news with more people now. Our public lives give people the opportunity to comment openly, even anonymously and from behind a screen. Social media seeks out other people’s approval, feeding the need for validation. So when you’re told, “Oh my neighbor had a dog named _____,” or “There are 17 _____s in my kid’s class,” or you get no reaction at all, it can cause you to doubt yourself.
How to Deal
While the whole idea of baby name regret may feel trivial to some people, it’s real. And it’s not as simple as “I hate my baby’s name.” It’s a natural response to having made a big decision with big consequences. If you’re doubting the name you’ve given your baby, or if you want to help out a friend or partner who’s going through it, we have a few suggestions for how to move forward.
Revisit the Wish List
A piece of advice commonly given to new homeowners who are experiencing buyer’s remorse is to look back at their wishlist. Most home-hunt wish lists are laughably naive and looking back can get you in a more realistic headspace. We all want the house in the picturesque neighborhood, in the best school district, with a perfect layout and number of bedrooms, a large kitchen, and renovated baths, and we want it all within our budget. So when we compare the house we actually buy to that impossible standard, it’s going to be disappointing. It just is. Instead, look back at your baby name wishlist (even if you never wrote one out, you probably had some criteria) and see how many of your must-haves you got with the name you chose. Find the positives there. The truth is there is no perfect name. And you might’ve come pretty close.
Mourn the Names You Didn’t Use
Every time you make a choice, you’re unchoosing EVERY other option. So it could be that the “regret” you’re feeling about your baby’s name is more about that name you loved and didn’t choose. Allow yourself to mourn the names you didn’t use, and then let go of them. (Or get a dog to use the name on, or name some fictional characters, or start a naming blog and try to get other people to use your favorite names 😉.) It can be hard to stop looking, even after your baby is born, partly just out of habit. But buyer’s remorse is often triggered when a new option is presented after you’ve made your big purchase. Name regret can work the same way. When your friend announces that baby name that seems so perfect you wish you’d chosen it, remember that you made the best choice for you.
Confirm
It might help to make sure the reason you’re doubting your baby’s name is accurate. As we said before, the top reason new parents report regretting their baby’s name is popularity. The SSA is a wonderful resource for determining the popularity of a baby name, as its rankings are based on actual births from as recently as the previous year. But the rankings can be misleading. For example, the top baby names in 2018 were only given to one percent of babies that year. So even if you chose the most popular name in the US (and you probably didn’t if you’re surprised by the name’s popularity), you’re still unlikely to have multiples in the same class.
There’s also that phenomenon where as soon as we are aware of something, we begin to see/hear it everywhere. After you’ve named your kid Sebastian, suddenly Sebastians are crawling out of the walls. This can give us the illusion that a name is more popular than it really is. If you have feelings of baby name regret, it’s worth making sure your reasons are accurate and not about something else entirely.
Connect
While everyone’s experience is different, life at home with a newborn can be painfully isolating. And I know that when I have too much time alone, I drive myself mad with my own thoughts. Find some time to be social. Take a walk around the neighborhood with that truly non judgmental friend who always listens when you talk. Or “invite” someone to bring you your favorite latte or sushi takeout. You can use the time to talk through your feelings about your baby’s name with someone who cares about you. Sometimes it can be helpful just to vocalize it. Or you can use the time to take a break and talk about anything BUT your baby’s name. Either way, the adult conversation will probably make you feel a bit more human and help you feel heard.
Cool Off
Making big decisions can be so overwhelming that the Federal Trade Commission actually offers what’s called a “cooling-off period.” It’s a period of time following a purchase when consumers can cancel or return a purchase without penalty. Baby name regret can feel just as overwhelming, especially with everything else new parents are going through. So give yourself a cooling off period. Shut out all the voices and just be. Spend time with your baby and call her by her name. How does the name feel when you shut out all the outside opinions? How does your baby respond to it? The more your baby’s name becomes attached to your baby, the less negativity you’ll attach to the name.
Make a Change, or Make it Work
If you’ve cooled off, thought it through, and decided that the name you chose isn’t “the one,” you can always change it. The name-change process is fairly straightforward, albeit time consuming. And while you might feel temporarily embarrassed about telling people, honestly no one will care in the long term. Send a simple “Oops! We thought he was ____ but he’s actually ____” and you’re done. You’ll want to change the name as soon as possible, though, to avoid confusion for the child.
Another approach is to make the name you chose work for you. Consider variations on the name that sidestep the issues. Perhaps picking a nickname that is less common than the formal name, using a first-name/middle-name combo, or calling your child by their initials or middle name. Or just make up an unrelated pet name that you love! Destiny Hope Cyrus got her now-legal name, Miley, because her parents called her “Smiley Miley” as a baby, and it stuck.
There’s no one-size-fits-all solution to baby name regret. It’s a complex reaction to a major decision. If you’ve experienced baby name regret, feel free to share your experience and tell us what worked for you. We’d love to know! For other baby naming advice posts, see the Name Advice category in our archives.
So funny that you used the name John as the example name that no one would ever regret. My aunt and uncle named my cousin John and then a couple of years later legally changed it to Jack, which they had already been using as his nickname. I think your analysis is solid, and I would add that it can take a long time until it feels like a baby really grows into a name. I called my kids mostly just “the baby” for their first few months but now I think their names suit them perfectly.
Ha! That’s hilarious. My brother’s name is John, so I sorta snuck that one in.😉 I completely agree about the name taking time! Sometimes it’s not about the name itself but just getting comfortable using it on a baby.
Thank you for this thoughtful, validating article! I have been struggling with name regret for (sadly) the last almost-two years, and I think you hit the nail on the head with your analysis, and did so in a way that takes the issue seriously (not just a flippant “change the name if want to!” approach). I appreciate the ideas on how to cope, and definitely feel heard. Thank you!
This is the best kind of compliment. Thank you for reading, and let us know if there are other topics you’d like us to cover!
Great article that I keep coming back to. At nearly 6 months old, I’ve got regret over my second daughters name. Sophie. There are a few reasons, which I think was triggered by a comment my mum made when we announced her name to the world..not having that instant parental approval has really hit me hard, and made me doubt her name so much. I also have two early losses prior to this pregnancy so often wonder if this plays a part in my name regret. I’m just hoping my feelings go away soon and I can move on. Feel like I’m stuck some days and so ashamed to have these thoughts… feel like I’m going mad. Going to try done things in this article and put pen to paper. Changing isn’t an option, I just need to remind myself why I chose it in the first place
Thanks for coming back to the article! It’s hard when other people don’t accept our name choices, especially when it’s people whose opinions really matter to us. While I don’t know your specific situation, generational style differences can be a big variable in that; try not to take it personally. I hadn’t thought about loss as a contributing factor, but this makes so much sense. When you’ve had previous losses, this child’s name has that much more weight to it. There’s that much more pressure to “get it right.” I hope you find some peace and remember why you love the name. It’s a timeless beauty.
I have been struggling with name regret for 18 months. I’d be interested in talking to someone more about this. I have gone back and forth a million times with what to do.
Hi , I need help . My little ones around that age. Would love to keep talk to you if that’s possible. I wish I would have changed it forever ago 🙁 I’m freaking out….
I would love to know what you both did? Exactly the same feelings and experiences here with my 2 year old…
Hi
My baby is 10wks old and I still cannot get used to her name, her name is Tilly I do like it , I just had my heart set on Lottie but my husband didn’t like this name, how can I get over this, also when ever I look up the name Tilly people comments say it’s childish name or is better as a nick name, would like some advise please.
Thanks for your comment and congrats on your baby!
Here are my thoughts: First, I ADORE the name Tilly. It’s sweet for a kid and mature enough for an adult. It’s easy to spell and pronounce and it’s equal parts spunky and sophisticated. Forgive the gushing; let’s move on…
As for Lottie, I’d encourage you to think of it as a name you loved but could not use. If your husband didn’t like it, it was never really an option. If you think about it this way, it becomes less of a Lottie-versus-Tilly issue. Mourn Lottie, and let it go. Maybe Lottie will be a character in the children’s book you write your daughter, or the name of your next puppy?
Next, I’d urge you to ignore the negative feedback you get about the name. I know that’s easier said than done, but honestly it isn’t a childish name. If people don’t like it, they don’t like it. But you do. And you are the parent. Also remember that what most people “like” right now are the names currently at the top of the rankings. Names that are stylish but not yet mainstream won’t catch on for a while. I bet people’s reactions to her name will become increasingly more positive.
Now, if YOU think the name is too much like a nickname, you could always change her name to something more formal (Matilda?) and keep Tilly as a nickname. But based on your comment, it seems that you like Tilly.
So to wrap it up—What you’re feeling is normal. Tilly is a stunner of a name. Lottie wasn’t right for your family. And other people’s opinions don’t matter. 😆
I suspect that Tilly will grow into her name and that you’ll love it. Give it some time and don’t be too hard on yourself. 💕
Hey,
I have some issues feeling a connection with the name that me and my partner chose and as you pointed out it is very easy to overthink these things with so much time.
I had no real issue with the name until after naming him it was pointed out to me, it had a similarity to something unpleasant. I want to disassociate the two things but wondered if you have an advice on how to stop myself overthinking this? I’m not really concerned about other peoples opinions it’s more that I associate the two things and it’s causing me a problem connecting with his name
Hi! This is a frustrating situation, for sure. I would say without knowing the negative association that whatever it is, it didn’t bother you when you chose the name. And I’m going to assume that it was a decision you didn’t take lightly. Also keep in mind that not everyone will have the same associations with the name.
If you truly feel that you made a mistake with the name choice, you could always change it, or change part of it. Remember, Amy Schumer did this very publicly when people pointed out that her baby’s name (Gene Attell) sounded like “genital”! Perhaps there’s a different middle name you could pair with the first, or a nickname you could use?
If you don’t feel you made a mistake, then remind yourself of that. Keeping your baby’s name is a choice, just as choosing it initially was. Look at the positive associations with the name rather than any negative ones.
A tricky thing about baby names is that they are hypothetical until the child is actually born, so we don’t have a person to associate them with. As your child grows, he’ll also grow into his name. And you will probably begin to associate that name with your child above all else.
I hope this helps. Thanks for reaching out, and congrats on your baby! 👶
Thank you for this article. It has definitely put things in perspective for me. 4 Months ago, I gave birth to my 3rd child and have been struggling to accept her name. Firstly, her name starts with a soft “c” while her siblings name start with a hard “c”. It’s been difficult getting used to it. Secondly, people are always asking how to pronounce her name or what’s the significance behind it. Though they may mean no harm, it’s very annoying to have to explain myself. Thirdly, I’ve heard a few unwanted nicknames that derives from her name. Even had close family members say “what kind of name is that”?! (Very hurtful)…During my pregnancy, I felt as though every name I told my husband was an issue, even this name which she presently has. But right before her birth, we agreed to name her…Cye. I spoke with my husband about my remorse several times and he reassured me each time that he loves the name. Still indecisive about the entire situation.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s so tough because there’s never any validation that you made the “right” choice when it comes to baby naming, you know? But- when you choose an uncommon name, people will ask questions about the name and why you chose it; I think that’s just part and parcel. Try to think of this as a positive: when people ask you questions, it’s because they’re INTERESTED. And having an interesting name is pretty great!!
Such a great article. Thank you so much. I was left holding a baby without any input from her father and after quite a traumatic pregnancy I think I have found naming her difficult… And it makes me feel like I just can’t do anything right. She had 2 names and is now registered with the 3rd name I chose and I still feel like it isnt right for her…. I think the thing that instilled so much doubt were the opinions of close friends and family and it really has now made me wonder if I’ve inflicted a terrible name on my daughter because it is so different and that causes me so much upset… I hate that I have been left in a position to make such a big decision alone. Now she’s registered I think it’s too late to change it. It has been the most upsetting decision making process of my life because I wished her name had just come to me. I think the nature of the abusive relationship I was in has caused me some sort of disphoria also… ptsd or something…horrible situation.
Wow. What a tough situation. While I’m no therapist, it does seem logical that your discontent over the name is tied up in a lot of other really damaging situations. It’s great that you recognize that, and I hope that you’re able to separate the baby name from those situations and from the self-doubt they left you with. Thanks for reading and for your candid comment.❤️
Hi
Your email resonated with me the father didn’t /doesn’t want to know I tried to name him with him in mind but then couldn’t handle it when he didn’t even ask his name. I was locked down and so lonely but loving being a mum but I just can’t get the name right? I thought I was a bad mum and didn’t understand it. I’m 18 months down the line with one official change and I feel now the hormones are clearing I know what their name should be now? But it’s not the ones I chose? But 2 changes and at this late stage?
My mind is on a loop of why didn’t I do this, why did I do that?
Cancer, Covid, relationship breakdown isolation terrible experience in hospital and hormones are the reasons but what do I do?
What did you do in the end?
I am struggling with my child’s name as I feel I made the wrong choice. She was one name through pregnancy (Lyra) and then I changed it because of peoples comments after birth and it made me paranoid. I couldn’t wait to get rid of the name after that. Her name is now Freya.
Now I can’t stop thinking about the fact that this should have been her name and it makes me really sad as I love her so much!!
Thank you so much for this article. I don’t feel like many people understand the emotions that come along with this situation and I am grateful to have someone that has felt the same way and tips on how to get through this.
My daughter is 3 weeks old and I have been struggling so much with her name that I am beginning to have postpartum depression. Some days are great and other days I can’t seem to turn my brain off and constantly ask myself if I have made the right decision. Right now my daughter’s name is Everlee Peyton Roldan, but I have been strongly considering changing it. The options would be Everlee Peyton Roldan
Peyton Everlee Roldan
Raelynn Everlee Roldan
Pros for the name Everlee-
It was my favorite name while pregnant. It is unique. It has”Lee” in the name (my middle name is Lee and my older daughter Rylee contains the Lee as well and I love the idea of passing that on to both of my girls. A piece of me is always with them.)
Pros for the name Peyton-
It is my husband’s favorite name. I like the way that Rylee and Peyton sound together as siblings more than I like the sound of Rylee and Everlee. I think I like the way that the first and last name sound together more too. (Peyton Roldan vs Everlee Roldan)
Pros for the name Raelynn-
It has my favorite meaning. I like the way Rylee and Raelynn sound as siblings.
Cons-
I question if Raelynn Roldan is too much of the R sound, also if we use Raelynn, the full name will not include Peyton in it, which is my husband’s favorite name.
Sometimes I feel like Rylee and Everlee are too similar when saying them out loud.
Raelynn has the best meaning. Peyton and Everlee have ugly meanings and I feel like the name you choose for your child influences their personality to a degree. Everlee means “Boar Meadow,” Peyton means “Fighters Estate,” and Raelynn means “Peacekeeper” or “Ray of Light.” Which I really like.
Obviously there are pros and cons to each name. I feel isolated and like I can’t discuss this with anyone. Could you please shed some light and tell me your opinions on these names?
I named my daughter Ava and haven’t stopped regretting it. She’s almost 9 months old now, and it still bothers me. Her sisters all have more unique names, and Ava is very popular. I am happy it is a timeless name, but sad I couldn’t be more creative. I also struggle with the fact it’s only 3 letters long, while her sisters names are 6 letters. Her name also kind of rhymes with the first half of my oldest daughter’s name, so that makes it hard. I want to change it, but have no idea what to change it to. It was so hard to choose a name while pregnant.
Hi there! I’m in a similar situation, that I did not realize how popular my daughter’s name is (Sophie), since it ranks low on the lists, and I didn’t realize that Sophia + Sofia are basically #1. I feel extra guilty because I have an incredibly rare name. I just wanted my daughter to have something that would be common enough but not the #1 name. I feel terrible because now I can’t imagine calling her something else. We’ve been calling her by her middle name which I also love, but even 1 month in, I can’t get used to it. I feel lost and like I’ve failed my daughter already.
I totally understand how you feel and where you are coming from. Not sure if this means anything, but pray about it. You’ll know if to change it and what to change it too. The hardest part is telling others. But at the end of the day, do what’s best for you!
Thank you so much for taking time to write this. I’m really struggling. My daughter is almost 8 months old and I recently started constantly regretting her name. I don’t know if it makes sense to share all the reasons I feel this way. Some are other’s pronunciations, some is how I pause right before I say her name, some is that I want other people to say they LOVE her name, some is the lack of a clear meaning (it’s like a hodgepodge of global meanings, Celtic- dark haired, Sanskrit- beam of light, Japanese – glittery, Russian – female ruler)
I named her Kira and I’m worried it’s not “her”. The only other name I liked, my husband hates and I don’t think that I even want to change her name. I just want to love it the way I did when it was on the list for us. I think I choose it because I loved the nickname, kier, (just sounded so cool) but now I just question everything. I could use a sounding board
I love Kira. I had Kyra on my list (I’m greek and I’m greek its “lady”). It’s a beautiful name and the nickname works too. You made a great decision.
Thank you for such a good article. It makes so much sense how you compare it to buyers remorse. It really means a lot that you validate how naming a tiny human obviously is anxiety provoking, I was obsessing and going around in circles between Ava and Olive. Now that we picked Olive I’m panicking … and I probably would have panicked regardless.
Hey thank you for this wonderful article. I am having and have been struggling with the name I chose for my daughter Zaya. I loved it at first and imagined it in a meditation during my labor. Some people have a hard time and pronounce because it’s so uncommon and say it as ZAY-ya but it’s Zaya like Maya or papaya . Her middle name is June (which has a lot of family associations). I’ve though about switching her name to June Zaya and calling her JuneZie or changing the spelling to Zaia so people see the pronunciation more clearly. Any thoughts ?
Em- Olive is so cute. Personally, I like Olive more than Ava.
Suzanne- I think Zaya is very original and unique. I also love JuneZie that’s a really cute nick name! If you choose to keep Zaya, maybe consider the spelling Ziaya? Zaia also appears to have the long “a” sound. Just food for thought.
Great article! I went into hospital telling my husband I didn’t want to name our second child straight away. He knew the sex, I didn’t. I knew we had different name ideas. First trimester we sort of settled on Leroy. I presented other ideas including my top pick Nicholas. We really didn’t discuss in the second trimester then in the third trimester I highlighted I really want Nicholas, he just said no. First child we agreed and it was easy.
Once we got to the room we discussed names he said Leroy I said Nicholas. I gave in, I love my husband and want him to be happy. We had the midwife write the name a couple of days later on the crib. It didn’t look right to me then a friend who worked at the hospital came in and used his name and I had that internal cringe moment. I hate it! When the midwives said it I just hoped it would grow on me.
A week after my son was born I raised this with my husband and he just said we can’t change it we have announced it, I like Leroy that is his name. At that stage I was more than happy to tell people of a change and I still am.
I am now 4 weeks in my feelings haven’t changed, I can’t use the name his father has given and am calling him he, little man, baby, bubba basically anything to avoid saying the L name! I even call him the name I wanted when his father isn’t around.
I can’t write Leroy on a birth certificate. I need help!
Hi , I have twin daughters Ava and Aya, I chose based on Ava’s name and now I regret this decision every single day, I chose that name because of Ava’s name because I wanted them to have similar names, now everyday I regret this decision and it’s driving me insane. I always said I’d choose very international names for my children and now I ended up with the name Aya , which I’m just not happy about, I asked my husband can we change it a few months ago but he disagreed.What do I do? I can’t get over it I’ve tried so many different options .. even changing the name to Ayla would help but now they are 6 months old and I feel it’s too late and husband wouldn’t agree and we even have their passport . I don’t know how to get over this 🙁
Hi
I’m having so much trouble with names 😭 am I able to message you as I’m 16 months on amd it’s overwhelming me
Im on my own
Thank you for writing this. And I want to thank the other commenters for commenting as well. My child is 3 and I still have baby name regret. It’s partly the name (which, yes, I feel is too popular), but it’s mostly how it came about. My husband wouldn’t consider any other name and I felt bullied into it. He was grieving his dad at the time and I didn’t want to hurt him. So we gave our child this name that I explicitly stated I did not want to use multiple times. He never heard it. To compound matters, he immediately started using a nickname I said I didn’t like and it stuck. That’s the name my child goes by now. Even I use it.
It’s hard. I hate that I have these feelings about my own child’s name, someone I love more than anything. I don’t hate the name — I just didn’t pick it. I only have one child and won’t have anymore, and I feel like something was taken from me. I also just had a tough pregnancy and felt very alone in it, and didn’t feel listened to by by my husband or family, and this thing with the name feels emblematic of that. And now I feel like I can’t even tell anyone I feel this way because it’s like a betrayal of my child (who loves their name, the nickname, they actually don’t even like the full name which I prefer).
Anyway, I hate feeling like this and am going to try some of the things you suggest to get through it. But mostly it just helps me to know I’m not the only one who struggles with this and to have my feelings validated. I thought about getting to name my baby my whole life and then I just… didn’t get to. I know I should just be grateful I was able to have a child (who is wonderful and who I love so much). But I can’t seem to let go of this. It feels childish but there it is.
Hi Regretful,
I completely hear you. My daughter is almost 3 and I still regret the name the name we chose, I’m finding it so difficult to get past.
I’m working on dealing with my daughters name. She is 18 months old and I’m struggling with how to move forward. Have you been working through it? I don’t know what to do next.
Oh I read all the comments and I can relate to yours so much. My husbands mother died 2 weeks before my daughters birth, and so her name was plonked in as a middle name that I really don’t like. I know it’s just a middle name but i too had a lonely pregnancy with the mothers illness overshadowing everything. I felt so sad for my husband that I just went along with it, and now I just kick myself for not standing my ground and explaining that the name doesn’t flow now. She’s ended up with 4 names as I’ve given her the middle name I wanted as well as the mothers name. I just wanted to say I really relate to the grief not really letting you choose. It’s unfair and I hope you can find happiness in the fact your child likes the nickname and you prefer the name you have to write.
This article has also been extremely helpful for me, thank you to everyone.
I love the name of my first daughter whom we chose before she was born, even begore I was pregnant. We both loved the name and there was no issues. With my second daughter we could not agree on a name. I had others I liked more, one I even loved although hubby did not like or agree. So in the end we chose a name which I thought was nice, and have had regret ever since. Firstly it is constantly mispronounced which frustrates me and secondly too close to a cousin’s daughter’s name which is why I was hesitant in the first place. And I just didn’t like it that much after we chose it.
I just cannot seem to get past it and it has been nearly 3 years!! I constantly think about it and every now and then I mention it to my husband who is over hearing it and it causes an argument every time.
We mostly call her by a nickname, I just can’t seem to say her full name. I wish I had changed it in the beginning as I know it would be crazy to change it now. Am also grateful that I have such a beautiful little I just don’t love her name.
I just don’t know what to do or how to get past this.
[…] name variations– If the name does not feel right after cooling off, Avatozeke recommends finding name variations. You can pick a first and mid-name combo, craft a nickname, make […]
Hi everyone! Thank you so much for this article and thank you for those who shared their story. I see my own story in so many of your posts. My daughter is three years old and I am still plagued by name doubt/regret almost every day. I am writing to say that today, I saw a psychiatrist who specializes in postpartum depression and she confirmed that name regret is a VERY common theme among women with postpartum psychiatric disorders. Although I still believe that some of my reasons for having name doubt are valid, I started to realize that there’s something else going on as well. I’ll start treatment for my PPD now and am glad to report back if you are interested (I’ll check in here from time to time). I want to encourage you to please consider getting evaluated for PPD. It can still be persistent even several years after giving birth. All the best to you all!
I would love to hear an update from you! Are you feeling better since being treated for PPD?
Hi, sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I have been taking a break from the baby name sites. I took antidepressants for a couple of weeks last year, but unfortunately I didn’t tolerate them well. But I think what did help me was to get diagnosed with PPD in the first place and to realize that the name regret is connected to it. I’m in talk therapy now and that helps as well.
The feelings of regret come and go, but they are much less frequent now. With the help of my therapist, I’ve also come to realize that they usually surface when something else is going on (when I’m stressed, overwhelmed, not taking care of myself…) and, like someone else mentioned, that they are also a symptom for OCD.
By the way, my daughter (she’s about 3 and a half now) adores her name, which helps. All the very best to you!
Hi, can you please update how are you doing now?
[…] to Ava Tozeke, it is always a good idea to take a break, take a walk and really put some thought into it. Think […]
Hi, I just posted an update above. I read your story too and I’m sorry you’re struggling. It’s interesting that the antidepressants made your name regret go away. It makes me wonder if it’s really a sort of malfunction of the brain, or if the medication generally dampens your feelings and makes you feel okay about any decision? What was your experience? Unfortunately, I can’t take SSRIs, I actually would be interested in how they’d impact my issues. All the best to you, I hope you feel better soon!
Hi,
I relate to all these feelings .Living with name remorse for 4 years. But let me add my experience. When the regret started which was immediately picking the name. I was hesitant to change it bc I could not felt confident in my decisions in that state of mind. Husband was if no help. I tries cbt for post natal anxiety which dud not work. My doctor started me on anti depressants and they worked like magic. All name remorse was gone. Which validated my instinct that it was actually post natal anxiety. After 2 years I tapered off the medicine under doc guidance . I was well for six months and then it started again , name remorse and constantly thinking about it. My doctor says this is OCD and wants to start anti depressants again. I on the other hand now want to go therapy route as I don’t want to be on antidepressants to come to terms with my son’s name. He us my fourth child and never before I went through such hell . I feel for you all .Don’t be dismissive of your mental health Get help.
Hello! Thank you for this interesting article. I feel similarly. I have been regretting my daughters name for 4 years. My husband and I were pressured into naming her Talia due to a family tradition, and I feel so guilty because it’s a relatively rare name that can be difficult to pronounce. It also does not sound good with our last name at all. Whereas myself and my husband have more common names that are easy to pronounce and flow more with our last name. We like the name Talia but we feel so guilty that she has a more “difficult” name than we do and commonly talk about whether we should have changed it, and whether her life will be affected by this decision in the long term :(.
I’m so sorry to hear that you have been feeling this name regret for so long! I also gave my child a hard to pronounce name and contemplating changing it. Does the mispronunciation still happen often? Everyone is telling me that it’s just intense now that she is a newborn and everyone is still learning her name but once they learn it will be fine…but I can’t help but feel like she will always deal with it.
Okay everyone. So I feel lucky to be able to write on here. Last year, my daughter was about 18-19 months old when I began to obsess badly about her name. All of the things mentioned here, bad name, not the one I wanted, doesn’t suit her, fuelling bent to change it. I couldn’t sleep at times, cried about it, lump in my throat, sometimes couldn’t eat.
I’m a guy and never experienced anything like this. Lucky for me I recognised that this was illogical but it didn’t stop me obsessing and felt important and real to me.
Lucky, I had access to a councilling service through work. It took medication, 6 months of therapy, once every few weeks. We established my background of recent big life events, deaths, marriage, danger, house moves and job worries. My therapist was certain I was suffering a mental health crisis. I struggled to buy into it and spent hours researching new names, when is it too late to change the name etc. I confided in some close friends too which helped. I started to exercise at least 3 times a week and began yoga. It’s now 9 months since my obsession. I love her name. I love her. But at one stage I couldn’t even look at her. Bad guilt, shame, even morbid thought. I still have a way to go to get healthy but the name is not the issue, I know that know and I feel that now. It doesn’t bother me at all. At the start I cringed to hear it.
I hope this helps someone.
Hi there, such a good article and it is nice to know I’m not alone. My baby girl is nearly 4 months old and I have been going through name regret.
I did so much research in the 6 months or so leading up to the birth. I originally had a few names I liked. All vintage names, Florence, Vivienne, etc. but my boyfriend didn’t like them.
We ended up on 2 names: Dorothy (my boyfriends choice and the name of my grandma who I never met) and Olive (just a name we both quite liked). I previously never liked the name Dorothy but through the process somehow it ended up at the top 2. Throughout the process I asked Everyman and his dog for their opinion and wish I hadn’t as it’s become unclear what is my own opinion versus others.
6 weeks after the birth after agonising over it I registered her Dorothy Vida (Vida was always going to be her middle name after my other grandma whom I was very close with). I assumed all the agonising would then go away, but it remained.
I’ve been in counselling frequently and ultimately know that only I can make the decision of sticking with it or changing it (to Olive Dorothy Vida or something completely different – but when I’m in a more level headed state – and I don’t know when that will be!
The constant thinking and thinking and comparing and thinking has caused so much anxiety and depression (there have been days where I haven’t wanted to wake up). My current tools from my counsellor for coping are having a dedicated thinking time once a week where I can think about it for 30 mins and to just keep calling her Dorothy and Dottie to people and move on as soon as I say it – but the thinking and obsessing creeps back in (“what do they think of it, is it a silly name, do I even like it myself or have I been influenced/railroaded”, etc). I’ve had a few days here and there of not thinking about it and it’s like a huge weight was lifted and I felt happy.
As someone else mentioned above, I too had a miscarriage just before this pregnancy and I had the perfect name for my boy. I think that may be playing a role. Also I felt like I wanted the decision on ‘Dottie’s’ name to be mine and my boyfriends and it felt like it became more of his and his older daughter’s choice.
I hope the name just starts to feel right and I grown to love it as I do my daughter. I know I need to not obsess about it for that to happen. Currently I still spiral most times I say it out loud but I’m trying not to.
Anyway that’s my story 🙂